I am yelling for help deep inside my heart

It's been years, I never update this blog. I read a happy equation book where it mentioned that writing a diary will add a happy 1 point. 

That's my reason to write on this blog. To distress and to enlighten myself. 

I've been working in this engagement where I found myself no strength anymore. It started from September where the shocking news I got from my family was my sister pregnant and she is single. She has just broke up with her ex boy friend. This is not the worst, it was getting worse where my mother approached her ex to ask for financial support for delivery of baby as not matter how my sister wont marry with this guy. However, things just not go well when this guy brought a solicitor to our house next day and claimed that my mother blackmailed him. 

Oh my gosh, everyone in family were so scared and overwhelmed. End up, my parent and sister reached Zhang Tian Si to seek for his help as we really do not know what to do. A meeting had been arranged for negotiation between the bad ass and our representative solicitor. 

The negotiation started with questioning the bad ass, how could my mother blackmail and threaten him without a gun, pistol or gangster? Moreover, he should have responsible for what he did, he cant just act nothing at all and not taking any financial responsibilities. The bad ass defended himself by claiming the baby is not his, it's others. My sister broke down and angry for his accuse. She never ever expect this kind of words coming from him and it is so ridiculous and hurt. 

Well, my family realised this guy was so selfish, helpless and cold-hearted and there is nothing we could talk about. Our next move was to leave Kepong forever where the place we raised, we stayed for decades. Though I really like this place, for the sake of my sister and baby, I followed my family's decision to move house within a week. It has really troubled me a lots where my new house is very far and jam from working place. 

I was stucked in the jam for hours everyday to travel to work place and kena summon for twice just because I speed in the middle of the night when I was doing OT for the engagement. 

I just cant take the stress from traffic. Add on there is huge responsibilities from works. I found it stress especially I am so lack of knowledge of this industry, I could sense the juniors and co-workers around looked down on me especially I could not answer their question though i am more senior than them. I can felt it more when my peer questioned me in front of all juniors and seniors why I could not deliver my works though 3 weeks has been assigned for the work. I totally shame of myself and sad. It was humiliating and totally face drop. It has triggered me to tender but yet I still want to keep my promise to stay till end of the engagement. 

However, another thing triggered me more to leave my job is my boss. She is arrogant and does not listen to me especially when I could not articulate the story well to her. She just refused to listen and concluded it was a fraud. I found myself could not manage this kind of boss anymore, life is short, why should I wasting my time to please a boss who will never ever listen or agree my point of view. There is no chance of career progression in this job. I started to shake my promise but yet I still upholding it. 

The most triggering point has just happen when my father hospitalised at the beginning of December 2012. At that point of time, I started to struggle, why there is so many things happen in my life in just a short time. I reaffirm my believe to leave when I know things in my family require my time commitment. Therefore, I submitted my resignation at the beginning of December 2012 without any hesitation. 

Things never become easier though you have tendered your resignation. I can still feel the stress when my  senior talked about how things expected from juniors but if that things happen to me, I may not meet the expectation too. People talked about your resignation, saying that why you cant take it as stay one month you will receive the bonus, why you did not uphold your promise. I just kept quiet though I was crying inside my heart, you are not me, you wont understand how I felt, why I should spare more time with family. I hate this but I need to go through this. 

The worst section delegated to me, I couldn't handle well and I sensed that people around me start to give me a sarcastic face where you should have do it right at your level. 

Only god can save me, I prayed hard that everything can go back to right track. I do not know what will happen after my father's second hospitalised within this same month and after my sister deliver the baby on April 2013. I am depressed, unhappy, lost and I am asking for God's help. I really cant take it anymore, I am weak, people disrespect me, I wanna leave as soon as possible.

Is this the way to treat a lady?

I'm speechless! Totally got surprised by people who not escort lady to get car at late night after work. There is really different kinds of people in the world, but didn't expect that there is so much of these kinds of people in my circle.

World has changed, the world is not longer as simple as we expected. Countryside people is much more friendly and simpler. Ever since start work, I felt like the sky no longer the same. It is indeed the same just that my perspective has changed. People no longer caring to each others. Maybe like what others say, if you can adapt then you will survive, if you can't, there is so many reasons got you out of the place you wished to mix with.

Today I'm quite emo~ Recently, there is so many difficulties in my life until I barely can breath.

I started to become unhappy, unhappy that aging has appeared in my face though I have taken so many efforts to take care of it. I am unhappy about why I always lose focus whenever I study. I'm unhappy that why I paid so many hard works, still I think that I'm more stupid than average people. Should I give up this realistic circle that I used to dream to stay longer? What can I do? I'm such a loser.

Energy start to become lower

I really felt tired after went through the whole 3 weeks of rushing classes and working... It is tiring. Everyday have to wake up early at 7am start to jam jam jam... work work work.... rush rush rush... class class class. When the time come to bed, it's already 11 pm. Everyday also go through the same cycle..

No TV, no steady dinner and no yumcha session, I become demotivated sometimes, I hope what I did now, will have a return in later on.

Seriously, it's not so bad when I am still a junior now. If I am a senior, I don't think that I reach bed at 11pm, the life is even worst.

Audit = no life even worst if the client is nasty and sarcastic.... I hate nasty client... Don't bully Junior!! I know you are knowledgeable. Just a matter of time, I'll be smarter than you.

Is the move right?

Today I just talked to my counsellor that I wish to be assigned to any insurance/ investment bank / bank engagement. So far, I'm doing all the unit trust fund job, which I think it's time for me to move forward. As I really far more slower than my peer.

But I'm not sure whether it is a right move as it means that I put myself busy. I'm kind of person who like to go back home early. At least this is what I want most. Really caught in the dilemma...

You are not in my shoes

You just don't understand what I have been through, I don't expect that you should have the experience that I have. But I do expect you to put some respect to me. Especially, in front of crowd....
My experience was not so awesome... the bitter part is very bitter, as the sweat part is damn sweat... Sometimes, people just had experienced how bitter it is, when it comes to the sweat part, they will fully enjoy for sure.
But you seem not understand this concept as you are having the consistent taste all the while. While, this blog is to dedicate to those who don't understand that "don't judge a man" and "listen to other's explanation".
Haiz.. Life is so hard to suit all the people.. What I can do is fake a smile in front of crowd and sad in a place where people can't see...

Anticipated for confirmation

It is come to the end of March, I'm looking forward to be confirmed by EY that I am able to contribute to EY anyhow, it is seem like a recognition for me.

It's quite surprise that people who told me how they dislike their senior and how to so sick of their work will get confirmation early. I am wondering if you are really the way you described then how come you will be recognised so fast??? How this weird thing can happen.

So far life in EY made me learn things everyday though self learning is more at most of the time. How wish I could work with most of the senior so that I can observe their skills when they are completing their work.

Most importantly, I found my way here, previously, I always look forward to quit in my previous job but this kind of thought is no more after working here. I love work with youngster as their passionate and their initiatives.

Finally, I wish keep this enthusiasm in this job!! Though I have to audit alone without any senior or manager around for guidance, kinda hard for me, but if I can make it then I proved something else to me again. Sin Yin, you must add oil! Always achieve a harder target!

CNY

It is reaching the end of Chinese New Year, I'm kinda sad as this year totally different from last year. Last year, I'm still a Uni student, but this year I've started to work. What makes difference? Whn you are a student, you can choose to skip class to continue CNY celebration but why when you are a staff, it cannot be the same? This is the answer I learned my colleague! When you are a student, you pay to Uni! However, when you are a staff, your company pay you instead! Make sense? I totally agreed with her answer without any debate.

From Jan till now, I'm glad that I'm still alive in GFS - EY. Moreover, from find it difficult to do this work to started to love this job. Hopefully this enthusiasm will still keep going untill very very long time. Instead GFS made my life happier maybe because their account more tidy and reliable which unlike other department.

Another thing I feel great about is I still manage to hold tight my 3 new year resolutions till now but still left one I yet to improve on is study!

Study always an avoidance for me. Sometimes I rather choose to work than study in which I also don't know why????? CG subject is always a killing subject for me coz without any figure and bored~~~~ I love my CNY break!